The Fingerprints of God

I'm looking back, not that long ago, where I was in the middle of a deep dark depression like I'd never known before. Although friends kept telling me that God was there for me, I couldn't feel Him. What I felt was more like a dense fog dividing us that seemed impossible to penetrate. No matter what I did I just didn't feel that connection that I had known and now hungered for.

My life had taken several very serious jogs, where some had almost put me over the edge. As I dissected the previous weeks,months and even years, detail by detail I couldn't put my finger on anything significant that brought me to this frighteningly lonely place. Although I could credit part of it to my declining health and the fact that I was now 'disabled', I had been dealing with that for awhile now and I didn't think it was the cause of such a debilitating depression. But more importantly, God kept silent. There were so many issues that needed His help and each day of my life was getting so difficult that I just didn't know how much longer we could hang on. I couldn't work anymore so my husband was killing himself working at least 2 jobs and taking on anything else he could fit in to make ends meet. My back surgery had failed miserably and I was getting worse by the day. Our marriage was suffering from the daily arguments about the smallest things and fun and relaxation were just words that were spoken of in the past tense. The problems were consuming us both.

I continued to do what I thought I was supposed to do, pray, read my Bible and sometimes go to church. But God remained silent. Most of my prayers started with 'why'. "Why is this happening", or "Why aren't you there?" repeatedly pleading with God for His help. As Christians we are instructed to be thankful for everything, from our life, our home and family to just little things like having a meal to eat and clean water to drink. I continued to just maintain and even thanked God for all of those little things, just like I was instructed to as a child. But deep down I knew that those words were not coming from my heart. I was angry and frustrated and, yes, I felt sorry for myself. I thought things like, "why can't I have a pity party? I really AM getting dealt a bad hand. I HAVE gone through much more than most people my age! Heck, I have the right to feel this way! My world was crashing in and God is ignoring me!"

All that time, day in and day out I just went through the motions, saying the same stale prayer and waiting for God to fix it all. I wanted my life to be easier, with happy times just once in awhile and couldn't understand why any of this was happening to me, to us.

I had muddled through many years of my life claiming to be a Christian. I'd learned that the Bible is full of God's promises for His children to have healing and prosperity as we walk through life with Him. He says that 'we are the apple of His eye', that 'He'll never leave us or forsake us', and 'He will give us the desires of our heart', and many many more. It's strange because during this time, although my mind was flooded with questions and I was an emotional wreck, ultimately I didn't doubt God and His word. Even though I was unable to understand why, within myself I knew there was a reason that I was going through all of this.

Several years ago I had subscribed to a daily scripture email. As they came in each day, sometimes I read them and sometimes I didn't. When I did it was almost like I tried to get through them as quickly as possible. Almost like I was appeasing myself with what I knew I was supposed to do. But just like my prayers, my heart was not in that either. One day as I was going through the motions of reading the daily scripture I recognized this particular one from when I first came to know the Lord many years ago. My first response was the usual skimming over it and then closed my email to go on to other things. But as I did, the scripture kept running through my mind. It just kept repeating itself over and over until finally I stopped what I was doing and opened the email again. This time the scripture almost jumped off the page. Matthew 6:33 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I thought, Lord this is a scripture that I've known almost my entire life. How can this be my answer? But then I read it again and this time I really read it. What it's saying is that if we make God the most important part of our lives, He WILL take care of ALL other things.

Yes, I had read this verse many times before, but I never committed to practicing what it says to do. I had accepted Christ but had I made Him first? I guess I had to admit the obvious. I was one of those convenience Christians. You know, the one's that use God when things go bad but other than that, you don't hear much about Him? I knew this fact but never wanted to admit it. I guess I wanted to try the easy road, use Him when I needed Him but I didn't want to commit to reading the Bible and regularly assembling with other Christians to learn about Him. Incidentally, it's not the easy road. It's actually harder but I didn't know that then.

I didn't know what to do first so I started to change the way I prayed. One of the hardest types of prayers to say are honest prayers. This type of prayer is the one where we tell Him our absolute true feelings. To me, that meant admitting to God many things. Admitting that my prayers to Him were not from my heart, that I'd only been 'going through the motions', and then I asked for His forgiveness. When talking honestly to God, we humble ourselves and tell Him how weak we are or that we don't believe in ourselves, if that's the case. We tell Him those things about ourselves that we're not so proud of or things that we wouldn't even say to our spouse or closest friend. It involves speaking to God about things that are difficult to say out loud, even when we're alone. It means digging deep within ourselves and admitting those faults that we try not to think about or speaking those secrets we hope never get spoken. They tend to stumble out of our mouths with hesitation and, if we're doing it right, sometimes even fear. This is a prayer of utter and complete honesty to Your Lord. It makes it easier to do it if we remind ourselves that we're not telling Him anything He doesn't already know but He needs us to trust and obey Him enough to do it.

As I knelt before Him and began to tell him those things that I had hidden deeply in my mind and heart, the tears came. As I opened myself up to Him and spoke the words that I had held back for so long, instead of increased apprehension and dread, what I felt was freedom along with peace like I've never experienced. This only made the way easier and allowed me to continue telling Him everything and needless to say the prayer went on for a very long time. Instead of the usual 'going through the motions' prayer, I spoke from my heart. I admitted to Him how much I wanted and needed His direction, His will and His power to change me into who He wanted me to be.

I'm still me with all of my little idiosyncrasy's, my flaws, my personality quirks and sins. But I want to be putty in His hands so His fingerprints are all over me.

I pour myself into whatever God leads me to do. Of course the problems in life still come but with them comes peace. I know that as long as I make Him first, He will give me everything I need and He has. He has blessed my life in ways I never thought were possible.

Yes, being a Christian does mean committing to make the Lord absolutely first. But with that comes a closeness with the creator of our universe. We put everything into His huge hands so we never have to be afraid or worry because we know that He has a plan for every jog in our life. We are never alone in anything we experience, good or bad. We WILL get through it because whatever 'it' is, it's a part of His master plan. It means that He has His fingerprints all over you and your life. It doesn't get any better than that!