Repressed Moments In Time

Everyone has memories of times past which we bring forward when something sparks a familiar tone or even an odor can bring us to a place from long ago. We have a tendency to remember the highlights, good or bad, but many of the 'in-between' memories somehow get lost. But somewhere hidden in the back corridors of my thoughts is a room full of unfamiliar memories. I'm not sure where it's been hiding all of this time or how I missed it, but it's there. Part of me wants to leave it there and pretend it doesn't exist but then another part really would like to explore it to see what they are connected to and how or why they are there. That would be a frightening journey though so I'll let God reveal what He wants in His timing.

I became aware of this room several years ago during one of the visits from my son. He was telling me that he was having dreams which ultimately sparked some memories of incidents that happened to him as a child. Horribly abusive incidents that were apparently hidden away some where in his mind but now intruded mercilessly on his everyday thoughts. I listened in unbelief as he told me about them, I searched my thoughts for familiar landmarks and although the time frame was recognizable as well as tiny bits of information, the incidents he told about were all foreign to me. It was like he had segments of his childhood that were separated from what I remember of our life. His life as a child was not at all easy, not like it should have been for a little boy. The verbal abuse that he experienced at the hands of his father was so very unfair and cruel. But what he was describing to me now was so far beyond that.

I had often heard of people who had blocked out painful moments of their past. A friend of mine had found that she had been brutally raped as a child but did not recall it until she was 53 years old! So I was familiar with these types of things but I never thought it would hit so close to home. The things that my son told me of were quite dramatic and painful so it was understandable why he had blocked them out. But I was an adult during the time frame he was remembering so how could I have blocked them as well? I didn't get how I could not know of something so very painful for him and carry on with my life as if everything was ok. It made me sick to my stomach and I wondered what else may have happened. I talked with my other two kids to see if they recalled anything similar happening. To my horror they confirmed everything! Aside from realizing I failed my kids BIG TIME, my mind was swimming with questions. Why had this not been brought up before this? What else is there that 'we' don't remember? What is it going to take to resolve this? What kind of parent retreats during times like these? Wow, what had my kids gone through?

I immediately contacted a friend of mine who is a family counselor. I told him about what my son had discovered, what he had gone through and how I had no recollection of these incidents. He informed me of how this often occurs with children but it happens with adults as well. It appears it is common that if we get ourselves in situations where we feel trapped or overwhelmed with something and this goes on for a long period, we may repress many of those memories. We have a tendency to bury them in a corner of our minds and carry on as if nothing is wrong. Only when our mind is ready, will these moments in time decide to surface.

I had been trapped in a very tough situation during my prior marriage, or at least I believed that back then. I finally managed to get out of it but not before my kids were forced to grow up in some pretty horrific circumstances.

My son continues to wrestle with the incidents that happened in his childhood. If not for the Lord, I feel that he essentially went through those times alone. I have many many regrets and wish I could go back and have do-overs, but I can't. Neither can he. We need to accept that what happened, just happened. All we have to work with is NOW. What we need to do is face the demons from our past. He needs to confront that inner child and tell him that none of it was his fault. That's a difficult task since, as a child, we seldom see the adults in our lives as the ones to blame. Kids usually will blame themselves or other kids. Since the cause of his pain came from the adults in his life, he must take the blame from himself and place it where it belongs. Once that is done the anger will eventually subside but only after facing those demons. From there we both can only hold to the promises of God.


So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust.(NKJV)
Joel 2: 25

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23 (NIV)

At one time or another in each of our lives we will find the need to allow God access to our pain, step out into God's grace and accept His mercy. Realize that we can't stay in our pain if we are to make this life He's given us matter. To stay in our pain would mean that we must re-live it again and again and doing this would make us miserable and make the people closest to us also suffer from our pain. No, we need to allow God access to our mind and our heart so He can repair what the locusts have eaten and replace the empty or painful areas with His love and perfect peace. After we travel those rough roads of life and we somehow survive, we are stronger than the last time. It's then up to us to take what we've learned and use it. We can use it for our own benefit for the next bump in life (you know there will be more) as well as help others who are going through similar painful situations. If you've survived devastating abuse of any kind, just try to let God in. We aren't made to endure it alone. Let Him restore you to who He planned you to be.
God Bless

It's OUR Turn To Help Our Troops

Today, as usual, I took a peek at my brother's blog. He usually has very interesting information and even though he's living each day under some pretty testing circumstances, he remains upbeat most of the time. But his recent post is quite different as well as disturbing. He is conveying a deep sadness that he is feeling about the soldiers that have been over in Iraq and Afghanistan. After reading his post and then doing some of my own research on the subject, I am not only sad but I'm downright ashamed of our country!

We drive around with bumper stickers that say, 'Support Our Troops', send emails to one another with sobering information and pictures about what they are enduring, and even hold benefits for their families while they're away. Year after stressful year we hear the leaders of our country talk of how these 'brave men and women need our support and prayer'. Meanwhile, our troops have our backs while we daily live our lives bathed in liberty and freedom here in the states. Great right? Well, before we give ourselves an 'atta boy' while we proudly display our American flags, you might want to do a bit of research on what our country is offering these brave men and women who are literally putting their lives on the line for you and me!

After coming home from the Vietnam war it took several years before our soldiers showed signs of mental distress. Yet our soldiers from this war in Iraq and Afghanistan are showing signs of mental illness, depression and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) before they can even get home. They obviously need medical attention. But for them to get the ball rolling and get any help they may need, they have to first swallow the pride that they've been taught so well to wear, and admit that they are suffering. That alone is hard enough. I mean, imagine the degree of training they need to stand up in the face of the enemy and be prepared to fearlessly give their life for our country. They are your every day Joe and Jane, just like you and me, but they're coming home physically and mentally scarred. Those that have come back with mental disorders from what they've endured don't usually have obvious signs. Unless you're looking for them, to the average person, many symptoms are silent. But underneath the rough and tough exterior they carry such grief and despair that they have difficulty holding it together long enough to get through their own welcome home party. Inside they've changed, dramatically.

Yet, when they do try to get the much needed help, they are made to wait, having to muddle through so much red tape that it is literally months before they see any help. Or, from what I've read, they are not given the proper care because our country is trying to tighten it's belt? What is with that! We shell out millions to get the car industry's butt out of the fire but when the guys and gals that protect all of our butts need help, we can't afford it? Yes, that shames me and should shame the leaders of our country.

In a recent study, officials found that more than ¼ of our soldiers on repeat duty tours were found to exhibit symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems such as PTSD. The study also found that more soldiers were reporting marital difficulties and the suicide rate among troops has increased dramatically. Yet our country will not put into play the needed care and urgency or the red tape is keeping them from it. One article that I recently read at NaturalNews.com made me so shameful that I want to crawl in a hole. Apparently there are so many soldiers with PTSD that the following statement was made at the VA hospital in Texas,

"Given that we are having more and more compensation-seeking veterans, I'd like to suggest that you refrain from giving a diagnosis of PTSD straight out," wrote psychologist Norma J. Perez in an email to the staff of the Olin E. Teague Veterans' Center in Temple, Texas. Saying that Veterans Affairs (VA) staffers "really don't ... have the time to do the extensive testing that should be done to determine PTSD," Perez suggested that they should instead "consider a diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder."Veterans diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder receive significantly less in the way of disability and health care benefits than those diagnosed with PTSD. An estimated 300,000 Afghanistan and Iraq war veterans are currently suffering from either PTSD or severe depression, according to the recent report by Rand Corp.

Read the full article here: http://naturalnews.com/023970.html

I'm angry! Have the leaders of our free country turned their backs on the very people who have ensured that they can enjoy that freedom? If so, how can WE help our soldiers? What can WE do for them that will make a difference? My brother is putting a challenge out there. He has proposed to start a fund to help them but neither he nor I know the first thing about how to do that. Please, if this issue has gripped your heart, take a trip over to my brothers blog. http://www.cancer-isnt-scary.blogspot.com/ and throw your ideas out there. Especially if any of you know how to initiate something like this, we sure could use your help.

For all who have read this far, apparently this is a subject that has peeked your interest. I ask that you please lift these brave men and women up in prayer. God can do a whole lot for them but He works through His people. Search your heart and see where God leads you. Thank you for caring and for any help you may be able to offer. God's best blessings to you.

Change IS Good When God's Doing the Changing...

I've been sloughing off on my blogging lately. Sorry, I guess I can get too caught up in other things and end up leaving a lot of things go.

Been thinking a lot about this whole 'disabled' thing. Wow, it really caught me off guard and looking back only a couple years, had anyone told me I'd be disabled now and staying home, I would have told them they were smoking too many of those funny cigarettes.

I've always enjoyed working and most of the time, no matter what job I've had, I pour myself into it and usually overwork myself without even thinking about it. The last few years being employed I complained about the pain pretty often and wondered how I was going to keep up the pace. I was a manager for college rentals and I loved it. But it was a very demanding job. I wasn't the type of manager to just point at the work and send someone else to do it. I worked my tail off whether it was cleaning toilets, doing inspections or signing contracts, I had no problem with any of it and really enjoyed most of it. But the pain was getting to the point where I had no choice but to point at the work and send someone else. The pain meds were being used more and more and finally I just couldn't do it any longer. I gave notice to my boss and thought for sure I'd be back, if not with his company, certainly doing something similar after I had surgery. The docs told me that the recovery time was about a year but I still felt that I'd be right back to work. Of course as usual, I felt that the rules don't apply to me! This job was my life, I was good at it and I didn't know anything else.

I now look back to that time and I certainly didn't see any hints as to what was about to happen. I was scheduled to have an anterior double lumbar fusion to repair 2 disks that were in pretty rough shape. In the end, the surgery was not only a failure but on top of that I found out that the condition of my spine is that of a hunched back little old lady.

But I learned many years ago that when life throws you those dirty curve balls you just get in the game and do the best you can. Although I can't do the things that I use to love to do back then, I'm beginning to adjust to a new lifestyle. My husband and I have been blessed with our land and our farm. That is something that I loved since I was a kid and horses are right on the top of the list of things I adore. When my little minis see me coming they give out a whinny which has become like music to me. Those little guys and I can get a bit crazy out there and I'm sure there are times that the neighbors think that I've totally lost my mind.

My point is that life can be very hard sometimes but we can't just roll over and give up. God is the potter and we are the clay and if possible we need to view change as a good thing. I've had my days of whining, probably more than I should have but that's all part of the transition. It's as if there is a period of mourning that we have to endure after a major change happens. Once we get through that though it does get easier. I believe that God will sometimes shift the playing field, just to get us thinking and realizing just how much we need Him. Or maybe He does it so we can grow in areas that were not possible in the 'other' lifestyle. Either way we have to search ourselves and be open to whatever it is that God wants us to see. We must be willing to allow God the access to our life to change us into what HE wants for us. Being clay, we may get a little crusty and un-pliable and it's at those times that He may have to work us, 'the clay', a tad harder to form us into what He desires us to be. I'm looking forward to the day that He's finished with me though. He's got pretty big fingers and sometimes when He finds a crusty spot in my character He pushes a bit too hard for my liking. But at least He loves me enough to keep on pushing.

Passing along the 'Upside-down Christmas'

Many years now I've been uncomfortable with how society, including me, has lost the focus of what Christmas is really about. Of course there are the usual stressors like trying to get 'that perfect gift', if there is such a thing. Or making sure that all is even when it comes to giving gifts to the grand kids. Or how about the traffic and long lines in the stores and malls. But no matter which way it goes, it's always wrong. We have lost the real meaning of Christmas for many many years and each year it gets worse. I see so many children and even some adults whose only interest is in getting gifts. Aside from a program at church or once in awhile a meaningful on target movie, the real reason for Christmas has all but disappeared.

I visited a friends blog (Binkee) at http://www.fliploveusa.typepad.com/ . She's passed on a post from another person, Brad, at his blog,
http://soundofasoftbreath.blogspot.com/2008/11/upside-down-christmas.html

It's about rethinking Christmas and it's called 'Upside-down Christmas'.
Please check it out and then pass the idea along. It's way past the time for all of us to get back to the true meaning of Christmas; giving OF ourselves instead of TO ourselves.

One of my most meaningful Christmas' I can remember was when my first born son, Rob, was only a year old. My husband had lost his job and we had literally 3 dollars left to our name. In the garbage next door I saw the branches from what our neighbor had trimmed off of his Christmas tree. I put them in a coffee can full of sand and we decorated it with popcorn and tinfoil. My husband and I took the $3 and went to Woolworth's and got my son a riding toy for $2.89. My son had a gift to open and we were together on Christmas.

Just recently I was talking with my previous husband and we both agreed that that was the one Christmas that we could actually say was our best. Why? I believe it was because we saw the value of our family and the gift of life. The little things in life that we cherish are the things that we need to celebrate.

I wish I were more creative. I'd come up with another way to celebrate Christmas but it would have nothing to do with presents and everything to do with 'presence'.

Thanks to Binkee and Brad for reminding me again what this season is REALLY about.

God Bless us all this Christmas Season!