Repressed Moments In Time

Everyone has memories of times past which we bring forward when something sparks a familiar tone or even an odor can bring us to a place from long ago. We have a tendency to remember the highlights, good or bad, but many of the 'in-between' memories somehow get lost. But somewhere hidden in the back corridors of my thoughts is a room full of unfamiliar memories. I'm not sure where it's been hiding all of this time or how I missed it, but it's there. Part of me wants to leave it there and pretend it doesn't exist but then another part really would like to explore it to see what they are connected to and how or why they are there. That would be a frightening journey though so I'll let God reveal what He wants in His timing.

I became aware of this room several years ago during one of the visits from my son. He was telling me that he was having dreams which ultimately sparked some memories of incidents that happened to him as a child. Horribly abusive incidents that were apparently hidden away some where in his mind but now intruded mercilessly on his everyday thoughts. I listened in unbelief as he told me about them, I searched my thoughts for familiar landmarks and although the time frame was recognizable as well as tiny bits of information, the incidents he told about were all foreign to me. It was like he had segments of his childhood that were separated from what I remember of our life. His life as a child was not at all easy, not like it should have been for a little boy. The verbal abuse that he experienced at the hands of his father was so very unfair and cruel. But what he was describing to me now was so far beyond that.

I had often heard of people who had blocked out painful moments of their past. A friend of mine had found that she had been brutally raped as a child but did not recall it until she was 53 years old! So I was familiar with these types of things but I never thought it would hit so close to home. The things that my son told me of were quite dramatic and painful so it was understandable why he had blocked them out. But I was an adult during the time frame he was remembering so how could I have blocked them as well? I didn't get how I could not know of something so very painful for him and carry on with my life as if everything was ok. It made me sick to my stomach and I wondered what else may have happened. I talked with my other two kids to see if they recalled anything similar happening. To my horror they confirmed everything! Aside from realizing I failed my kids BIG TIME, my mind was swimming with questions. Why had this not been brought up before this? What else is there that 'we' don't remember? What is it going to take to resolve this? What kind of parent retreats during times like these? Wow, what had my kids gone through?

I immediately contacted a friend of mine who is a family counselor. I told him about what my son had discovered, what he had gone through and how I had no recollection of these incidents. He informed me of how this often occurs with children but it happens with adults as well. It appears it is common that if we get ourselves in situations where we feel trapped or overwhelmed with something and this goes on for a long period, we may repress many of those memories. We have a tendency to bury them in a corner of our minds and carry on as if nothing is wrong. Only when our mind is ready, will these moments in time decide to surface.

I had been trapped in a very tough situation during my prior marriage, or at least I believed that back then. I finally managed to get out of it but not before my kids were forced to grow up in some pretty horrific circumstances.

My son continues to wrestle with the incidents that happened in his childhood. If not for the Lord, I feel that he essentially went through those times alone. I have many many regrets and wish I could go back and have do-overs, but I can't. Neither can he. We need to accept that what happened, just happened. All we have to work with is NOW. What we need to do is face the demons from our past. He needs to confront that inner child and tell him that none of it was his fault. That's a difficult task since, as a child, we seldom see the adults in our lives as the ones to blame. Kids usually will blame themselves or other kids. Since the cause of his pain came from the adults in his life, he must take the blame from himself and place it where it belongs. Once that is done the anger will eventually subside but only after facing those demons. From there we both can only hold to the promises of God.


So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust.(NKJV)
Joel 2: 25

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23 (NIV)

At one time or another in each of our lives we will find the need to allow God access to our pain, step out into God's grace and accept His mercy. Realize that we can't stay in our pain if we are to make this life He's given us matter. To stay in our pain would mean that we must re-live it again and again and doing this would make us miserable and make the people closest to us also suffer from our pain. No, we need to allow God access to our mind and our heart so He can repair what the locusts have eaten and replace the empty or painful areas with His love and perfect peace. After we travel those rough roads of life and we somehow survive, we are stronger than the last time. It's then up to us to take what we've learned and use it. We can use it for our own benefit for the next bump in life (you know there will be more) as well as help others who are going through similar painful situations. If you've survived devastating abuse of any kind, just try to let God in. We aren't made to endure it alone. Let Him restore you to who He planned you to be.
God Bless