Repressed Moments In Time

Everyone has memories of times past which we bring forward when something sparks a familiar tone or even an odor can bring us to a place from long ago. We have a tendency to remember the highlights, good or bad, but many of the 'in-between' memories somehow get lost. But somewhere hidden in the back corridors of my thoughts is a room full of unfamiliar memories. I'm not sure where it's been hiding all of this time or how I missed it, but it's there. Part of me wants to leave it there and pretend it doesn't exist but then another part really would like to explore it to see what they are connected to and how or why they are there. That would be a frightening journey though so I'll let God reveal what He wants in His timing.

I became aware of this room several years ago during one of the visits from my son. He was telling me that he was having dreams which ultimately sparked some memories of incidents that happened to him as a child. Horribly abusive incidents that were apparently hidden away some where in his mind but now intruded mercilessly on his everyday thoughts. I listened in unbelief as he told me about them, I searched my thoughts for familiar landmarks and although the time frame was recognizable as well as tiny bits of information, the incidents he told about were all foreign to me. It was like he had segments of his childhood that were separated from what I remember of our life. His life as a child was not at all easy, not like it should have been for a little boy. The verbal abuse that he experienced at the hands of his father was so very unfair and cruel. But what he was describing to me now was so far beyond that.

I had often heard of people who had blocked out painful moments of their past. A friend of mine had found that she had been brutally raped as a child but did not recall it until she was 53 years old! So I was familiar with these types of things but I never thought it would hit so close to home. The things that my son told me of were quite dramatic and painful so it was understandable why he had blocked them out. But I was an adult during the time frame he was remembering so how could I have blocked them as well? I didn't get how I could not know of something so very painful for him and carry on with my life as if everything was ok. It made me sick to my stomach and I wondered what else may have happened. I talked with my other two kids to see if they recalled anything similar happening. To my horror they confirmed everything! Aside from realizing I failed my kids BIG TIME, my mind was swimming with questions. Why had this not been brought up before this? What else is there that 'we' don't remember? What is it going to take to resolve this? What kind of parent retreats during times like these? Wow, what had my kids gone through?

I immediately contacted a friend of mine who is a family counselor. I told him about what my son had discovered, what he had gone through and how I had no recollection of these incidents. He informed me of how this often occurs with children but it happens with adults as well. It appears it is common that if we get ourselves in situations where we feel trapped or overwhelmed with something and this goes on for a long period, we may repress many of those memories. We have a tendency to bury them in a corner of our minds and carry on as if nothing is wrong. Only when our mind is ready, will these moments in time decide to surface.

I had been trapped in a very tough situation during my prior marriage, or at least I believed that back then. I finally managed to get out of it but not before my kids were forced to grow up in some pretty horrific circumstances.

My son continues to wrestle with the incidents that happened in his childhood. If not for the Lord, I feel that he essentially went through those times alone. I have many many regrets and wish I could go back and have do-overs, but I can't. Neither can he. We need to accept that what happened, just happened. All we have to work with is NOW. What we need to do is face the demons from our past. He needs to confront that inner child and tell him that none of it was his fault. That's a difficult task since, as a child, we seldom see the adults in our lives as the ones to blame. Kids usually will blame themselves or other kids. Since the cause of his pain came from the adults in his life, he must take the blame from himself and place it where it belongs. Once that is done the anger will eventually subside but only after facing those demons. From there we both can only hold to the promises of God.


So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust.(NKJV)
Joel 2: 25

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23 (NIV)

At one time or another in each of our lives we will find the need to allow God access to our pain, step out into God's grace and accept His mercy. Realize that we can't stay in our pain if we are to make this life He's given us matter. To stay in our pain would mean that we must re-live it again and again and doing this would make us miserable and make the people closest to us also suffer from our pain. No, we need to allow God access to our mind and our heart so He can repair what the locusts have eaten and replace the empty or painful areas with His love and perfect peace. After we travel those rough roads of life and we somehow survive, we are stronger than the last time. It's then up to us to take what we've learned and use it. We can use it for our own benefit for the next bump in life (you know there will be more) as well as help others who are going through similar painful situations. If you've survived devastating abuse of any kind, just try to let God in. We aren't made to endure it alone. Let Him restore you to who He planned you to be.
God Bless

It's OUR Turn To Help Our Troops

Today, as usual, I took a peek at my brother's blog. He usually has very interesting information and even though he's living each day under some pretty testing circumstances, he remains upbeat most of the time. But his recent post is quite different as well as disturbing. He is conveying a deep sadness that he is feeling about the soldiers that have been over in Iraq and Afghanistan. After reading his post and then doing some of my own research on the subject, I am not only sad but I'm downright ashamed of our country!

We drive around with bumper stickers that say, 'Support Our Troops', send emails to one another with sobering information and pictures about what they are enduring, and even hold benefits for their families while they're away. Year after stressful year we hear the leaders of our country talk of how these 'brave men and women need our support and prayer'. Meanwhile, our troops have our backs while we daily live our lives bathed in liberty and freedom here in the states. Great right? Well, before we give ourselves an 'atta boy' while we proudly display our American flags, you might want to do a bit of research on what our country is offering these brave men and women who are literally putting their lives on the line for you and me!

After coming home from the Vietnam war it took several years before our soldiers showed signs of mental distress. Yet our soldiers from this war in Iraq and Afghanistan are showing signs of mental illness, depression and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) before they can even get home. They obviously need medical attention. But for them to get the ball rolling and get any help they may need, they have to first swallow the pride that they've been taught so well to wear, and admit that they are suffering. That alone is hard enough. I mean, imagine the degree of training they need to stand up in the face of the enemy and be prepared to fearlessly give their life for our country. They are your every day Joe and Jane, just like you and me, but they're coming home physically and mentally scarred. Those that have come back with mental disorders from what they've endured don't usually have obvious signs. Unless you're looking for them, to the average person, many symptoms are silent. But underneath the rough and tough exterior they carry such grief and despair that they have difficulty holding it together long enough to get through their own welcome home party. Inside they've changed, dramatically.

Yet, when they do try to get the much needed help, they are made to wait, having to muddle through so much red tape that it is literally months before they see any help. Or, from what I've read, they are not given the proper care because our country is trying to tighten it's belt? What is with that! We shell out millions to get the car industry's butt out of the fire but when the guys and gals that protect all of our butts need help, we can't afford it? Yes, that shames me and should shame the leaders of our country.

In a recent study, officials found that more than ¼ of our soldiers on repeat duty tours were found to exhibit symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems such as PTSD. The study also found that more soldiers were reporting marital difficulties and the suicide rate among troops has increased dramatically. Yet our country will not put into play the needed care and urgency or the red tape is keeping them from it. One article that I recently read at NaturalNews.com made me so shameful that I want to crawl in a hole. Apparently there are so many soldiers with PTSD that the following statement was made at the VA hospital in Texas,

"Given that we are having more and more compensation-seeking veterans, I'd like to suggest that you refrain from giving a diagnosis of PTSD straight out," wrote psychologist Norma J. Perez in an email to the staff of the Olin E. Teague Veterans' Center in Temple, Texas. Saying that Veterans Affairs (VA) staffers "really don't ... have the time to do the extensive testing that should be done to determine PTSD," Perez suggested that they should instead "consider a diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder."Veterans diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder receive significantly less in the way of disability and health care benefits than those diagnosed with PTSD. An estimated 300,000 Afghanistan and Iraq war veterans are currently suffering from either PTSD or severe depression, according to the recent report by Rand Corp.

Read the full article here: http://naturalnews.com/023970.html

I'm angry! Have the leaders of our free country turned their backs on the very people who have ensured that they can enjoy that freedom? If so, how can WE help our soldiers? What can WE do for them that will make a difference? My brother is putting a challenge out there. He has proposed to start a fund to help them but neither he nor I know the first thing about how to do that. Please, if this issue has gripped your heart, take a trip over to my brothers blog. http://www.cancer-isnt-scary.blogspot.com/ and throw your ideas out there. Especially if any of you know how to initiate something like this, we sure could use your help.

For all who have read this far, apparently this is a subject that has peeked your interest. I ask that you please lift these brave men and women up in prayer. God can do a whole lot for them but He works through His people. Search your heart and see where God leads you. Thank you for caring and for any help you may be able to offer. God's best blessings to you.

Change IS Good When God's Doing the Changing...

I've been sloughing off on my blogging lately. Sorry, I guess I can get too caught up in other things and end up leaving a lot of things go.

Been thinking a lot about this whole 'disabled' thing. Wow, it really caught me off guard and looking back only a couple years, had anyone told me I'd be disabled now and staying home, I would have told them they were smoking too many of those funny cigarettes.

I've always enjoyed working and most of the time, no matter what job I've had, I pour myself into it and usually overwork myself without even thinking about it. The last few years being employed I complained about the pain pretty often and wondered how I was going to keep up the pace. I was a manager for college rentals and I loved it. But it was a very demanding job. I wasn't the type of manager to just point at the work and send someone else to do it. I worked my tail off whether it was cleaning toilets, doing inspections or signing contracts, I had no problem with any of it and really enjoyed most of it. But the pain was getting to the point where I had no choice but to point at the work and send someone else. The pain meds were being used more and more and finally I just couldn't do it any longer. I gave notice to my boss and thought for sure I'd be back, if not with his company, certainly doing something similar after I had surgery. The docs told me that the recovery time was about a year but I still felt that I'd be right back to work. Of course as usual, I felt that the rules don't apply to me! This job was my life, I was good at it and I didn't know anything else.

I now look back to that time and I certainly didn't see any hints as to what was about to happen. I was scheduled to have an anterior double lumbar fusion to repair 2 disks that were in pretty rough shape. In the end, the surgery was not only a failure but on top of that I found out that the condition of my spine is that of a hunched back little old lady.

But I learned many years ago that when life throws you those dirty curve balls you just get in the game and do the best you can. Although I can't do the things that I use to love to do back then, I'm beginning to adjust to a new lifestyle. My husband and I have been blessed with our land and our farm. That is something that I loved since I was a kid and horses are right on the top of the list of things I adore. When my little minis see me coming they give out a whinny which has become like music to me. Those little guys and I can get a bit crazy out there and I'm sure there are times that the neighbors think that I've totally lost my mind.

My point is that life can be very hard sometimes but we can't just roll over and give up. God is the potter and we are the clay and if possible we need to view change as a good thing. I've had my days of whining, probably more than I should have but that's all part of the transition. It's as if there is a period of mourning that we have to endure after a major change happens. Once we get through that though it does get easier. I believe that God will sometimes shift the playing field, just to get us thinking and realizing just how much we need Him. Or maybe He does it so we can grow in areas that were not possible in the 'other' lifestyle. Either way we have to search ourselves and be open to whatever it is that God wants us to see. We must be willing to allow God the access to our life to change us into what HE wants for us. Being clay, we may get a little crusty and un-pliable and it's at those times that He may have to work us, 'the clay', a tad harder to form us into what He desires us to be. I'm looking forward to the day that He's finished with me though. He's got pretty big fingers and sometimes when He finds a crusty spot in my character He pushes a bit too hard for my liking. But at least He loves me enough to keep on pushing.

Passing along the 'Upside-down Christmas'

Many years now I've been uncomfortable with how society, including me, has lost the focus of what Christmas is really about. Of course there are the usual stressors like trying to get 'that perfect gift', if there is such a thing. Or making sure that all is even when it comes to giving gifts to the grand kids. Or how about the traffic and long lines in the stores and malls. But no matter which way it goes, it's always wrong. We have lost the real meaning of Christmas for many many years and each year it gets worse. I see so many children and even some adults whose only interest is in getting gifts. Aside from a program at church or once in awhile a meaningful on target movie, the real reason for Christmas has all but disappeared.

I visited a friends blog (Binkee) at http://www.fliploveusa.typepad.com/ . She's passed on a post from another person, Brad, at his blog,
http://soundofasoftbreath.blogspot.com/2008/11/upside-down-christmas.html

It's about rethinking Christmas and it's called 'Upside-down Christmas'.
Please check it out and then pass the idea along. It's way past the time for all of us to get back to the true meaning of Christmas; giving OF ourselves instead of TO ourselves.

One of my most meaningful Christmas' I can remember was when my first born son, Rob, was only a year old. My husband had lost his job and we had literally 3 dollars left to our name. In the garbage next door I saw the branches from what our neighbor had trimmed off of his Christmas tree. I put them in a coffee can full of sand and we decorated it with popcorn and tinfoil. My husband and I took the $3 and went to Woolworth's and got my son a riding toy for $2.89. My son had a gift to open and we were together on Christmas.

Just recently I was talking with my previous husband and we both agreed that that was the one Christmas that we could actually say was our best. Why? I believe it was because we saw the value of our family and the gift of life. The little things in life that we cherish are the things that we need to celebrate.

I wish I were more creative. I'd come up with another way to celebrate Christmas but it would have nothing to do with presents and everything to do with 'presence'.

Thanks to Binkee and Brad for reminding me again what this season is REALLY about.

God Bless us all this Christmas Season!

Addendum to "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you...God"

I just want to add some things and clarify the reasons for my last post.


Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the numbers of abortions taking place in our world today. I went to Lori Laws blog, Persevere
http://persevere-lori.blogspot.com/ and saw the counter there so I grabbed it to put on my blog. After putting it up and thinking about my own ignorance when I was young, I wondered how many other girls there had to be who were thinking of having an abortion, and like me, didn't have any idea what really happens to their baby during an abortion.


Granted, I was young when I looked into abortion as a way out of a bad situation and therefore I was very ignorant of most things in life. But I think that even if a person is older, if all they know is that having an abortion is just an 'easy fix', how many of them will really look into what it actually is or how it's done? But how many of them, when reading the material like I did back then, would actually go through with it?



I am not proud of what I almost did back then. After my last post some have said that they commend me for being honest. Although I appreciate the compassion and the compliment extended to me, I didn't post about this for that reason. I want nothing for sharing this part of my past and I certainly don't deserve a pat on the back. I thought that if just one person read my post and it made them reconsider getting an abortion, it would be well worth me 'airing my dirty laundry'.

Another reason for posting is that I'm sure there are women out there that have already had abortions and at this very minute are being torn apart by guilt and despair. They need to know that God's peace and forgiveness is always available to them, just for the asking. If any person is to find peace with God, they need to know that He will forgive us for anything, yes, even for killing a child. People need to see God in all of His mercy and love and know that He knows our deepest secrets and is still willing to accept us.


It's no secret that our days are going to be coming to an end very soon. Even non-believers are talking about it. I feel that it's important that we, as Christians, become transparent to the world. Too many unbelievers think that Christians are weak and don't understand them because we're not walking in their shoes. I think it's important for them to see that Christians sin too. We too have wallowed in sin and despair, so deep sometimes that we felt trapped or felt like there was no way out. It's important to know that we all have the option to go to Him with all the muck in our lives. If we do, God will find us and meet us right where we are. He accepts us BEFORE we are sin free and loves us just as if we are pure even though we aren't. That is why we choose the road less traveled, commit our lives to Him and that is why we are so passionate about Our God.

There's not much time to plant the seeds in the world and win souls to Christ. What better way to show the world how awesome God is than to show them the sins that God has already washed away. I personally need to 'shout from the rooftops' the mercy, forgiveness and love that God is all about and these are all available to anyone. All you need to do is ask.

Will you ask Him today?

Before I Formed You In The Womb, I Knew You....GOD

At age 52 it's interesting to reflect back , look at my life and see the different areas that God stepped in. In my teen years I remember at one time thinking about becoming a veterinarian. I even checked into schools in my area and the closest one was 2 hours north of my home town. I never really got serious about it though because even going to high school was something I tried to get out of every chance I could. In those days, I was what others considered to be a 'rebel'. I skipped school so much that when I finally did show up for class, my teachers asked who I was. Pretty bad, huh?!

I know I put my mother through a lot. She sure didn't deserve the trouble I caused but I was too self centered to put much thought into what I was doing to her or my future. I quit school as soon as I could do it legally and got myself a babysitting job. Although my mom taught us about values and kept us in church the best she could, I rebelled at every attempt she made to keep me on the straight and narrow. If there's ever a time that I wish I could have do-overs, it's then. I really put her through a lot of pain.

As with most rebellious teens, I got into things that I'm not very proud of and had a fair share of close calls with the law. But one thing that happened taught me the meaning of being scared to death. Soon after I had quit school, I found myself facing the fact that I was pregnant. Boy, talk about wrong timing! My dad had been killed when I was only 8 years old so my mother had struggled through many years of trying to raise 5 kids with keeping us fed, clothed and a roof over our heads. Now here I was, giving her problems almost weekly and then I give her the news that I'm pregnant!

Before I told my mom, I thought I'd take my 'problem' to a few close friends and see what they had to say first. We discussed how others handled similar situations and of course the word abortion came into our conversation. It's strange because although it was an option that a few of us had heard about, none of us had really discussed what it was all about but just accepted that it was a way out of a bad situation. I don't know if it was something that I had missed in one of those classes that I skipped but I honestly didn't know anything about what was involved.

The fear that gripped me was something I will never forget. I was only 16 and had my entire life before me and being a mom was not something I was prepared for mentally much less financially. I didn't know what I was going to do. I surely didn't want to put more on my mothers shoulders. She and I had our problems but I had watched her struggle for what seemed like my whole life with finding enough money to supply our family with what we needed. All I could do was find out what options I had. In hindsight, I can look back and clearly see where God was and how He made me the way I am for a reason. I am a researcher. I love to just take a subject, study it and pretty much dissect it until there is not one shred of information that I haven't checked out. To begin researching the abortion option, I planned the next day to make the trip to the library to find out everything that I could.

(WARNING...for those weak at heart, you may want to skip this paragraph)
I still vividly remember that day. Making my way through the halls of the library and finding the area where the books on abortion were, I discreetly picked up a book off the shelf. I didn't take it to a table for fear of running into someone I knew so I just stayed there between the tall shelves. I sat in the window sill next to the books and began flipping through the pages. Stopping on a page with a few pictures in black and white I tried to make out what it was before me. I had to turn the book in different directions because my eyes weren't grasping what I was seeing. I gave up, turned it back upright and then started to read. It didn't take more than one or two sentences before I become horrified and literally could not believe what it was saying. I realized that I was reading about a baby that was in the pictures. This tiny little human being had been sucked from the mothers womb and was in a pool of blood and tiny human pieces. After reading that sentence I again looked at the pictures. This time I was able to see a tiny little foot among other things that were not distinguishable. My face became hot as I felt my gut start to twist and my heart beat rapidly as the realization of what I was looking at and what this book was telling me began to sink in. As the tears began to well up in my eyes I quickly closed the book. I didn't even put the book back but just left it there on the window sill as I ran out of the library.

The rest of the story is simple. I did not get an abortion. It took many years and even more prayers to get to a place where I am able to face the fact that I was this close to killing my son. I thank God that He made my personality the type that investigates things thoroughly. Had I been different, the type of person to just accept what others say, that abortion is an 'answer' to a problem, it's very possible that I may have gone through with it. The guilt is very real even if I didn't actually do it and I can only imagine how much pain there is for those that have done it.

My son, the baby I was blessed with then, is wonderful. He is married to a beautiful and intelligent woman and they've given me 2 precious granddaughters. God had a plan for me and him. He has one for each one of us. When we mess up and turn down the wrong path, He will intervene if we let Him. My prayer is that others that are faced with this 'problem' realize that God does everything for a reason. All things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. What I want those in similar situations to understand is this. God knew us before we were even conceived. That means He plans children so who are we to consider other options. The following verse speaks loudly to this!

Jeremiah 1:4-5
The word of the LORD came to me, saying, Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;

This scripture makes it very clear when life begins.

Father, we come to you with broken hearts for all the children that die from abortion. We ask that you cradle them in your mighty arms, hold them close to your heart Lord and bring them home to a place that's safe and secure where they will find your pure unconditional love. We ask that you sustain the mothers of these and all little one's and help them realize your mercy and unconditional love. Guide them to you in their conviction in the midst of their pain and fear. Help them to fall to their knees and humbly seek you for strength and guidance and a new direction. Deliver them Father, to your side where they will find forgiveness, comfort and peace. We ask these things in the powerful and precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Cancer Isn't Scary?...WhatEVER!!!

I'd like to introduce to you all, my brother, Al (or as we call him, Butch), and his wife, Jenny. His blog is called "Bridging the Struggle" at http://cancer-isnt-scary.blogspot.com.

Sounds like a strange title and certainly an attention grabber, huh. And you may beg to differ claiming that cancer IS scary. Let's face it, the last thing people want to hear after seeing a doctor is the big 'C' word. But if you make yourself go beyond the 'what ifs' and view the subject in reality, you'd have to admit that our lives can be over in an instant, whether we are totally healthy or terminally ill. God has the final say on that. It's the journey to that end which establishes those character traits in each of us that makes us who we are.


I've had some interesting conversations with my brother and his wife, who has been battling cancer for many years now, about our days here on earth and our purpose for life. Trying to figure out where God has placed us and for what reasons. In the end, it's always the same answer. We are here because He has chosen us for specific tasks and whether we fight our purpose or go with the flow, we still only have so much time to live.


We are told to make each day count. Many years ago I worked in a secured facility as a jailer. Most of the inmates came from backgrounds that left much to be desired. How does one 'make each day count' when your life is stagnant, stuck in a place where the situation literally dictates how you will live from moment to moment. Do we sit and contemplate how utterly unfair it all is? Do we allow ourselves to become embittered over the fact that as a young person, we had such huge magnificent plans for our life, yet that dream has never unfolded because of circumstances beyond our control. Then there are those that place the blame for their struggles on the past. Usually mom or dad, and then badmouth them for dealing them a bad hand from the start?


We each have a choice about how we view our lives and what we do with the lot that we've been handed. My brother and his wife have been in the middle of some pretty disheartening circumstances for quite some time. If anyone has reason to shake their fist at God, they certainly do. Not that they haven't been there before. Probably many times. Of course each of them will have those days where they feel it's too much to endure and question God why. And even days where they are angry and fed up with the daily struggles, the unfairness of it all.

But let's face it. We live in a broken world and as long as we do we will have our battles to face. Ephesians 6:12 says,

'For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in heavenly realms.'

If life has dealt us a bad hand, we need to allow God in. He can take what we have and liberate us from the bonds that usually can imprison us if we try to do it our own way without Him. No, according to my brother, the cancer isn't scary and it isn't even important. He and Jenny have struggled with this for too long and I'm quite sure that they just do not want to give the cancer any more of themselves than it's already taken. The road traveled with cancer can be a very rough trying road. But if you allow it to, it can consume your entire world and ultimately get in the way of your walk with God. My heart breaks when I see what Butch and Jenny have to endure and most of the time I feel powerless to do anything to relieve their pain. But I'm thankful that they both have a solid relationship with their Savior.

Since all of us know our days on this earth are numbered, how we leave this earth is not as important as how committed we are to our relationship with our God while we are here. My brother and his wife have placed their struggles as well as their lives in the capable hand or God. Cancer isn't scary to them because they've found the solid foundation in Him.

Give them a visit over on their blog? I feel they are good people. You can find them at:
http://cancer-isnt-scary.blogspot.com