At age 52 it's interesting to reflect back , look at my life and see the different areas that God stepped in. In my teen years I remember at one time thinking about becoming a
veterinarian. I even checked into schools in my area and the closest one was 2 hours north of my home town. I never really got serious about it though because even going to high school was something I tried to get out of every chance I could. In those days, I was what others considered to be a 'rebel'. I skipped school so much that when I finally did show up for class, my teachers asked who I was. Pretty bad, huh?!
I know I put my mother through a lot. She sure
didn't deserve the trouble I caused but I was too self centered to put much thought into what I was doing to her or my future. I quit school as soon as I could do it legally and got myself a babysitting job. Although my mom taught us about values and kept us in church the best she could, I
rebelled at every attempt she made to keep me on the straight and narrow. If there's ever a time that I wish I could have do-overs, it's then. I really put her through a lot of pain.
As with most rebellious teens, I got into things that I'm not very proud of and had a fair share of close calls with the law. But one thing that happened taught me the meaning of being scared to death. Soon after I had quit school, I found myself facing the fact that I was pregnant. Boy, talk about wrong timing! My dad had been killed when I was only 8 years old so my mother had struggled through many years of trying to raise 5 kids with keeping us fed, clothed and a roof over our heads. Now here I was, giving her problems almost weekly and then I give her the news that I'm pregnant!
Before I told my mom, I thought I'd take my 'problem' to a few close friends and see what they had to say first. We discussed how others handled similar situations and of course the word abortion came into our conversation. It's strange because although it was an option that a few of us had heard about, none of us had really discussed what it was all about but just accepted that it was a way out of a bad situation. I don't know if it was something that I had missed in one of those classes that I skipped but I honestly
didn't know anything about what was involved.
The fear that gripped me was something I will never forget. I was only 16 and had my entire life before me and being a mom was not something I was prepared for mentally much less financially. I
didn't know what I was going to do. I surely
didn't want to put more on my mothers shoulders. She and I had our problems but I had watched her struggle for what seemed like my whole life with finding enough money to supply our family with what we needed. All I could do was find out what options I had. In hindsight, I can look back and clearly see where God was and how He made me the way I am for a reason. I am a researcher. I love to just take a subject, study it and pretty much dissect it until there is not one shred of information that I
haven't checked out. To begin researching the abortion option, I planned the next day to make the trip to the library to find out everything that I could.
(WARNING...for those weak at heart, you may want to skip this paragraph)I still vividly remember that day. Making my way through the halls of the library and finding the area where the books on abortion were, I
discreetly picked up a book off the shelf. I
didn't take it to a table for fear of running into someone I knew so I just stayed there between the tall shelves. I sat in the window sill next to the books and began flipping through the pages. Stopping on a page with a few pictures in black and white I tried to make out what it was before me. I had to turn the book in different directions because my eyes weren't grasping what I was seeing. I gave up, turned it back upright and then started to read. It
didn't take more than one or two sentences before I become horrified and literally could not believe what it was saying. I realized that I was reading about a baby that was in the pictures. This tiny little human being had been sucked from the mothers womb and was in a pool of blood and tiny human pieces. After reading that sentence I again looked at the pictures. This time I was able to see a tiny little foot among other things that were not distinguishable. My face became hot as I felt my gut start to twist and my heart beat rapidly as the realization of what I was looking at and what this book was telling me began to sink in. As the tears began to well up in my eyes I quickly closed the book. I
didn't even put the book back but just left it there on the window sill as I ran out of the library.
The rest of the story is simple. I did not get an abortion. It took many years and even more prayers to get to a place where I am able to face the fact that I was this close to killing my son. I thank God that He made my personality the type that investigates things thoroughly. Had I been different, the type of person to just accept what others say, that abortion is an 'answer' to a problem, it's very possible that I may have gone through with it. The guilt is very real even if I
didn't actually do it and I can only imagine how much pain there is for those that have done it.
My son, the baby I was blessed with then, is wonderful. He is married to a beautiful and intelligent woman and they've given me 2 precious granddaughters. God had a plan for me and him. He has one for each one of us. When we mess up and turn down the wrong path, He will intervene if we let Him. My prayer is that others that are faced with this 'problem' realize that God does everything for a reason. All things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. What I want those in similar situations to understand is this. God knew us before we were even
conceived. That means He plans children so who are we to consider other options. The following verse speaks loudly to this!
Jeremiah 1:4-5
The word of the LORD came to me, saying, Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;
This scripture makes it very clear when life begins.
Father, we come to you with broken hearts for all the children that die from abortion. We ask that you cradle them in your mighty arms, hold them close to your heart Lord and bring them home to a place that's safe and secure where they will find your pure unconditional love. We ask that you sustain the mothers of these and all little one's and help them realize your mercy and unconditional love. Guide them to you in their conviction in the midst of their pain and fear. Help them to fall to their knees and humbly seek you for strength and guidance and a new direction. Deliver them Father, to your side where they will find forgiveness, comfort and peace. We ask these things in the powerful and precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen
